The world is my jester.

Feeling chipper. This weekend is going to be stellar. BlackHand this weekend. First show with their new bassist, Walt. Come out!  It’s all coming along swimmingly. I’m having mini-piphanies all over the place. Good in my book.  I feel like going out dancing. Problem that clubs don’t play clutch and Queens of the Stone Age (everything homme touches musically  is sexy). I don’t do beyonce and Lady Gaga.  It should be said I am a creature of habit. I listen to Clutch almost every day. I pick out the same 20 cds every time I want music. I will Always be dancing and singing…especially if I am in the kitchen. (it has great acoustics) I quote Eddie Izzard about five times a day. I’d live in the same 8 band shirts if I could. I always have a coke in my hands. I do my hair the same every day because I hate getting primped up and it’s super easy. If asked what I’ll take to drink, I’ll probably always say 7&7 because whiskey is where it’s at.  I am what I am and I’m nothing I’m not. If I’m not what I am then I’m noting at all.  P.S I’m going to start writing. Really writing..what I want. As part of my mini epiphany…I’ve realized that the time for editing is coming to a close. It’s had its moment in the sun and was highly overrated.I’ve always been afraid to put in writing anything that might leak out and bust me. Now if it leaks…no use crying over spilt milk. Lick it up, Heather…lick…it…up. So, Soon, there will be something NEW out there. All the things I want to say, but don’t. Some of you will not be invited along for the ride.  Take no offense. This isn’t for sensitive ears.  I don’t think those of you shut out are going to like what I have to say.

Annnnd here’s a simple compilation of things that make me laugh. It’s a day that is in serious need of some humor.

 


Voila! C’est Incroyable or croyable.

No sleep for the weirded out.

Oh goodness, I’m in one of those ridiculous writing moods where I need some quippy interaction. However, these moods come on at 11pm or after and the rest of the world needs that thing we like to refer to in my little circle of one as “playing dead”. I just realized that saying “we” and “circle of one” is making me sound incredibly Sybil. Half of you didn’t even get that. What’s worse is that I know you didn’t…and I still posted it.  I have hope for you still, little grasshopper.

Any who, I will start this off with my short and sweet to the point  rant in spark notes form. If you insist on putting deceased celebrities on a pedestal, at least pick  ones that it might be mildly believable. I’ll do one better. If you insist on putting ANY celebrity (alive or dead) on a pedestal…so forth and so on. Let me choose my words carefully from here on out so that no one gets all testy with me.  Time for tonite’s horrible metaphor of no importance.  It’s like this, You have what you think is a great meal at an overpriced restaurant. Fast forward to tomorrow when you get a ferocious case of the food poisoning.  Now a week from now are you going to look back and remember that meal fondly? Heck no! You’re going to think, “That place was tainted and let’s not paint a pretty picture for the masses.”  By the way, after seeing The Network, everything is way more awesome with “the” in front of it. Case in point…”the food poisoning”.  Ooo or the plague…oh, that kind of always works that way.

Next, moving on to pointless rants about nothings. A.) I’m getting paranoid about things shrinking. Let me expand…I swear that was purely coincidental. Candy bars are not what they once were.  I’m sure that it is probably because they are concerned with America’s growing waste line. Shucks, those corporations..always looking out for the little guy. Ok, so I’m not worried about shrinking dinner proportions. The U.S. has that down pat. I’m fairly sure war would ensue if McDonald’s  took its menu sizes down a notch. Something would secede from something.  You like that? That’s knowledge speaking right there.  Call me encyclopedia. Ms.Britannica if your nasty. I don’t know. It’s late and for some reason Janet Jackson references are running rampant. I guess I can’t say one is “running rampant. ” But I think one is still probably one too many. Shrinking! That’s where I was. so, clothing…shrinking. Wait. List time. Expand Vs. Contract
commercials =  expand
tv shows = contract
amy winehouse’s popularity = expand
my ability to shut it about said popularity = contract
Justin Bieber = expanding and contracting
Conundrum.  Let me explain. I have this newly developed theory that he’s been expanding and taking in territory, but that his annoying repertoire is going to contract like a black hole sucking all of his worthless “musical and entertainment endeavors” down with it. I wish on a star every nite. I think it’s only taking so long to come full circle due to the humidity. It’s hard to find a star in the sky lately. Give it time. “There is growing consensus that supermassive black holes exist in the centers of most galaxies.” – Wikipedia. Their words not mine. It’s nice of them not to just come out and use his name though. It might have to do with legality issues though…probably.

That was a crap list, by the way. I know no defeat though. I’m going to let it stay simply because it ends with Bieber bombing. How doe someone with a supercuts do get to be a celebrity? I’m just saying. This has been bothering me for awhile.  I’m feeling a case of the misanthropies coming on…and I like it.  I swear, Karma…by September I’ll be on the up and up. Maaaybe October. January at the latest…unless I take a sabbatical.

Swanker

Final note. BlackHand show Saturday at Bank Shots in Pike Creek! I’m highly anticipating this show. Band wives, I’ll expect to see you all present! Annnnd unconscious.

Living on the edge of a slippery slope with good intentions

All those phrases people use. Nuts. First, I’m pretty sure the pathway to hell is not paved with good intentions. Second, of course it’s a slipper slope. Third, I’ll address the edge business even though it isn’t technically one of “Those phrases”. I find this phrase to be…lame. It’s something I picture hearing a “supposed risk taker” in an 80’s flick saying to a dweeb that he needs to exploit. Also, hello Aerosmith. Bon Jovi was livin on a prayer. To both I say, death to the tyrants! Bon jovi is so close to James Taylor on my crap list that they could do a pound…if either of them was cool enough to do such a thing…which they aren’t.

Also, punctuation rant. I am the queen of the over-use of the period…………Why you ask? In all honesty, I feel like pausing is a vital aspect of speaking….and the other punctuation just isn’t cutting it. However, tonite was an exclamation point type of nite. Why you ask again? My, aren’t we inquisitive this evening? (Questions answered with questions are awesome. eg. “What’s with you today?”  “What’s with today, today?”) Some of you got that. Some of you didn’t. I weep for those who are staring at that reference blankly. I said blankly and had a flashback to Blank Man. That was a sad two seconds. Damon Wayans, the saddest of the wayans brothers solely because of that voice and big bald head of his. Although, no matter what others say, I did kind of love Earth Girls Are Easy. Mock me all you want. I care not. “A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and they’re here now but Ted’s coming home tonight so we’ve got to cut their hair.” Wait, now that I think about it, Damon had the best roles of the Wayans….so maybe life compensated him for the voice and bald head.  Hmm, who knew life was a philanthropist. Oh, back to the topic at hand, punctuation! That’s right, exclamation point! Because after all, an exclamation point is just a period that can bungee jump…or commit suicide. One is definitely more bleak. I’m more of an under-score girl myself. You know, out of the way. Not like 6 feet in the ground out of the way. However, if the exclamation point is doing itself in….   !  ->  _     If p then q, people.  Rambling. Moving on.

Different realm of rant. Kids and sickness. Now, I’m not a doctor, but it seems to me that kids are doing this whole sickness dealy a lot more often lately. I mean granted, I wasn’t tallying how many kids were out when I was in school, but I know that I was rarely ever sick. Now, that’s not because I was some freakishly healthy child. So, my assumption is that there is some other reason why kids are ALWAYS sick. My kid, yea…sick…again. Is the plague starting up again or something? Did I miss the memos being tacked to our front doors about the black death? My phone is a little shoddy at times, so maybe I’m missing the state alerts or something. I know when there is a tornado watch I get the announcements. Is it a low budget issue? It seems to me that there are a couple other programs that could have gone first before disabling the hotline for plague awareness. I also know that the Toll booth on 95 near our house is like $5 a pop also and I figure that alone might cover the alert system. I mean, fifty million cars piled up, waiting to cram through those tolls at $5/car = cha ching. Just saying. Where was I? Oh, kids get sick a lot. End rant. P.s. I don’t really believe an apple a day does anything to keep the doctors at bay. Sounds like a scheme by apple growers, if you ask me. Truly, end rant.

Tattoos? To be or not to be, that is the question. I’d love to get some. AAAAAnd at the same time I’m a big wussy. Then I remind myself of people I have known that have tattoos and think…if they can do it, boy George, so can I! (see what I did there? Accident…but I’m not fixing it.)I don’t know how George is, but apparently he was a doer.  No, there will be no roses, no chinese symbols, no freaky little cherubs or vines crawling anywhere. There will be nothing in shades of pink or written in curvy little sparking letters with stars. I’m so very picky.  But I’ve got a plan. And no, you are not privy to it…or my inner workings. I like to keep it on the D.L. Piercings, however, I do not think are in my future.

I probably won’t have any shows to go to in the month of June (due to my trip) and that’s making me a bit antsy.  Mind you, there are two awesome BlackHAnd shows this month. First, June 3rd at JB McGuinnes in New Castle. Second, June 10th at Mojo 13. I will sadly be gone for both, but am sure they will rock the socks off your ever-loving feets, should you choose to accept this mission. We have a load of concerts this year though and not having one in June is disappointing. APC is in July though. I can make it, I can make it. Oh, except I have been informed that Josh Freese (the drummer) is not going on tour with them because he is drumming with Weezer. What the heck is that?!?!?! Seriously. First, A Perfect Circle hasn’t toured in what, six years…and he’s not coming along with them? That’s messed up. And let’s add insult to injury, he’s leaving them behind to tour with Weezer. Really?! Ok, now here is where I calm some of you down. Old Weezer = good. New Weezer = !  -> _     Refer to former segment on punctuation if you are having trouble.

And I’m done for tonite. Time to sleep and have some weird dreams. I watched a documentary on The birth of rock n’ roll, so I will probably dream about Jerry Lee Lewis or Chuck Berry or something. Buddy Holly was there, but if I dream of him, it will probably connect to my irritation with the whole weezer scenario and things might get messy. P.s. old blues= beyond awesome.
P.s.s  dreamt of taking pictures of ghosts last nite. Pretty sure they were playing simon says. Also, a friend was singing some emo/jared leto, I wear eyeliner and can’t see past my hardcore hair song while the pictures were being taken at a shindig. My dreams are on drugs.

Surprise, Surprise…May 21st and we’re all still here.

The ever amazing Clutch in all their glory played an incredible show as per…always. Bought some goodies as well. Always nice. Ooo and the Blast Tyrant re-release, which is stellar. Reverb was pretty cool. Got pretty close to the stage at points. However, they need to do something about their serious lack of air circulation in that building. By about 20 mins into the show, I am pretty sure there wasn’t a person in there who wasn’t soaked…and I do mean SOAKED. Well worth it for Clutch though. I’d still like to do another show there in the future. Here’s the set list and a little bit of entertainment to boot. Enjoy…I did.

Set List:

01 Intro
02 50,000 Unstoppable Watts
03 Pure Rock Fury
04 Power Player
05 La Curandera
06 The Mob goes Wild
07 Profits of Doom
08 Child Of the City
09 Immortal
10 The Soapmakers
11 Open up the border
12 I have the body of John Wilkes Booth
13 The Promoter
14 Gravel Road
15 Mice and gods
16 Animal Farm
17 Struck Down
18 Electric Worry
19 One Eyed Dollar
20 Encore Break
21 Basket of eggs (acoustic)
22 The Regulator (acoustic)

The obsessions of my tastes..If you’re going to do it…do it right.

This may go in segments. I have yet to decide…but when I do…you’ll know. However, the first segment is MUSIC!!!

This is the magic that makes the world tick…but that’s just one girl’s opinion. Here they are, songs I have been obsessed with (that I am willing to admit) First off, I should mention that as of late…I am attached permanently to all things Homme. Everything that man touches turns to gold. As long as he never does any side projects with James Taylor, we will be good to go. Jimmy Buffet should be included in that as well.
This has nothing to do with my obsessions to start with…but must be addressed. While searching for some sort of evil image for James Taylor..this is what happened.

Oh, James Taylor...you know how I feel about you.

Almost Famous has just been ruined a little bit for me. Does his evil know no end?

Back to happier things. The music dealy. Enjoy.







Yes, segments are apparently necessary.

Epic Awe of the Beard and Stache

I’d say this is all random…but that would be cliche for me.

Late nite whatevers, I suppose I drank too much caffeine tonite…so here I am. Granted, if I went and laid down I am fairly sure I would be out in .2 seconds. I’m not giving in though. Sleep takes up entirely too much of life as of late. It’s becoming a sort of nemesis. I think in the end, it will still win. I never stood a chance. My computer is constantly challenging me about my language. Apparently, it doesn’t appreciate my lingual creativity. Why you gots to bring me down? Yea, it just tried to auto-correct that sentence. I denied it like what. No, that wasn’t a question. Tomorrow I will probably see this entry and find out it was all written in Spanish or some such nonsense. You never can tell what will roll out of your mouth at 2 am. I get into a nice vibe when i write to certain songs and turn into a teenage girl, repeating them over and over. It’s horrid…and necessary all at the same time. I’d like to drop some life changing information on you right now…but it’s not going to happen. Phhsh, you want some life changing info, find it yourself. What I have to say won’t matter as much as what you find on your own. There, even while trying to not be yoda, I’ve succeeded in failing. Fantasteriffic. NO, you may NOT auto-correct me, MAC! I love it for trying though. Curse the days of PC’s!
So, apparently some royals got hitched, an outlaw got caught. I’m not much on the news lately. Forgive me if I am skeptical of all the info provided to me by media outlets. It’s paranoia, I know. But is it justified paranoia…perhaps. Of course that is in reference as to weather Willy and Katie tied the knot. I saw no official documents. I won’t be had this time! Alright, this is just babble now.
I think the dog is getting impatient with me. He keeps sighing really heavily and looking at me. Rushed by a dog. This is messed up. I’m thinking I should win something soon. It’s about time. Been awhile. Just my luck it will be like a dental tray and a thing of mint floss. I hope it’s waxed. Lately I have this feeling that I am going to win everything. I think it might be false confidence. The world makes me have unrealistic expectations. It was this or thinking that I could be like a super model. I figured this was a healthier delusion…and I get to eat. Food really is the best thing since sliced bread…wait…I don’t think that works here. I read through a college guide today. You know, researching classes available to figure out what I want to be when I leave Neverland. There were classic course option such as: Equine pathology, advanced walking techniques I and II, Outdoor adventure education & spanish for the equine industry.  I kid you not. Remind me why college is valid any more? A college diploma is about as reassuring to an employer as an employee of the month plaque from Burger King. It really is a grab bag out there, folks. You never know what you are going to get. Granted, there are good colleges with courses with practical applications. This was obviously not one of them. I think those are few and far between and mostly end up caught in tornados and dropped outside of the continental U.S. (sorry Puerto Rico..that’s a no-go for you too). I’m just bitter…and realistic…but mostly bitter.
And on that note, I’m off to dream about celebrities. I don’t have a choice in the matter. Last nite, Claire Danes was a librarian. I’m pretty sure she was trying to help me escape. It was a mix between Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade and Anne Frank.  I think Dr. Elsa Shneider & I probably shared the same fate in the end. I don’t remember, but I have bad knees and always run like I’m about to have a heart attack in dreams.  On a good moral note, I wasn’t carrying a wooden goblet…so I am probably good on karma. If it’s a dream about high school, I’m going to be in a nasty mood tomorrow. There have been a lot of Heroes references in my dreams as of late. So, I might have super powers…like the ability to walk backwards really fast or bake things in the oven really, really speedily. Utterly useless. The dog is telling me lights out. I’m not even spellchecking…that’s how hardcore I am.