Posts tagged ‘humor’

The world is my jester.

Feeling chipper. This weekend is going to be stellar. BlackHand this weekend. First show with their new bassist, Walt. Come out!  It’s all coming along swimmingly. I’m having mini-piphanies all over the place. Good in my book.  I feel like going out dancing. Problem that clubs don’t play clutch and Queens of the Stone Age (everything homme touches musically  is sexy). I don’t do beyonce and Lady Gaga.  It should be said I am a creature of habit. I listen to Clutch almost every day. I pick out the same 20 cds every time I want music. I will Always be dancing and singing…especially if I am in the kitchen. (it has great acoustics) I quote Eddie Izzard about five times a day. I’d live in the same 8 band shirts if I could. I always have a coke in my hands. I do my hair the same every day because I hate getting primped up and it’s super easy. If asked what I’ll take to drink, I’ll probably always say 7&7 because whiskey is where it’s at.  I am what I am and I’m nothing I’m not. If I’m not what I am then I’m noting at all.  P.S I’m going to start writing. Really writing..what I want. As part of my mini epiphany…I’ve realized that the time for editing is coming to a close. It’s had its moment in the sun and was highly overrated.I’ve always been afraid to put in writing anything that might leak out and bust me. Now if it leaks…no use crying over spilt milk. Lick it up, Heather…lick…it…up. So, Soon, there will be something NEW out there. All the things I want to say, but don’t. Some of you will not be invited along for the ride.  Take no offense. This isn’t for sensitive ears.  I don’t think those of you shut out are going to like what I have to say.

Annnnd here’s a simple compilation of things that make me laugh. It’s a day that is in serious need of some humor.

 


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The Big Dollbaucle.

I don’t know why it is people love dolls so. In all honesty, I find most of them to be beyond a level of creepy than I could ever handle in my house. Apparently, other people don’t mind having little glass eyeballs watching them live their every day lives. I myself don’t want to look under my  bed and be attacked by the clown that used to be sitting on the chair in the corner. And so begins the doll edition. I’m sorry if I make it hard for you to get a good REM cycle tonite. If I can’t purge my mind of them…then neither can  you.

First the vintage creepos.

Is she looking at you? You'll never know.

Please? Just let me take over your life and you can have mine.

Now…next we will touch upon places they took Barbie that never should have happened. Ok, so some of these are obviously not on stores shelves.

 

Avian Flu Barbie.

 

Ok, so this one I can condone.

 

Everything within arms reach

Now, never have I  looked at Amish people and thought, “Man, they’re creepy.” However, it seems like whenever people decide to make “Amish dolls” ( that is dolls of the Amish…not the dolls that Amish people make) they come out like something out of a horror movie. I don’t know why it is that they can’t seem to make them look like normal human beings…but these will NEVER be in close proximity to me.  And so the awfulness begins.

 

Where to begin? Oh, I know...how about the glazed over death eyes.

a magic wishing apple. One bite and alllll your dreams will come true.

Look at the boy. He looks like he is in his 30's. Possibly Louie Anderson as a baby?

Staging a coup.

Apparently, the Jane eyre of Amish dolls. Hopefully they made Mr. Rochester, or she's up the creek without a paddle.

Obviously a Brandon Teena sort of scenario.

And Last but not least, a different sort of doll. I don’t know…for some reason I rather like them. Go figure.

I'm not sure who actually gets this doll. I mean, if you gave a kidney, I guess you could. Maybe a part of your liver. Other than that, I don't think you are going to be around to ENJOY this particular treasure.

The Road to recovery is littered with distractions and…ohh something shiny.

I think I’m just writing tonite. If you are all behaved little children, I may bestow on you a pretty picture at the end of my rantings and filler. This whole daylight savings thing seems to be an utter and complete was of my valuable time. I’m convinced there’s no purpose for it except to…wait, I’ve got nothing.  There is only one man who should control time, and that is none other than the one and only Doctor Who. I pity you if you are ignorant in the ways of the time lord. I’ll let is slip this time though because I’ve just displayed my geeky side and am hoping people forget that little detail about my inner workings.

Show last nite at Mojo was Awesome with a capital “A”. I do have to say, that that is one ridiculously small stage though. I felt bad for everyone because the lights were rather on the bright side as well. With all the beer and sweat that gets poured on that stage on a regular basis,  there’s no way that thing isn’t a petri dish of bacteria. C’est la vie. Everyone played well though, despite the cramped conditions and heat issues. Minus Francis’ slow motion moshing with no one during Iron Man, all was well in the world.  It was just like this…minus the water. Also, side note…must eat before going out. Rooms will spin. Ok, so let’s recap the night.

 

Jagger was doing his best hands impression in front of me
Corey Haim sung at one point.
aaaaand Francis Buxton angered the locals. No pitchforks or torches emerged though.

I found this little gem today. Time line doppelgangers…after horrific lifestyle choices.

 

El Chupacabra in his present form...

 

The vision of what's to come? If this comes to fruition...Chuey gets put down. He would want it that way.

Alright, so not as much writing as I originally supposed. I will leave you with this little tid bit I discovered. Life was weird in a whole different sort of way back in the day.

Advertisement genius.

 

The Fail Edition…Costume Stylie

Seriously? You're doing it wrong.You be the judge.

David Gest?

Chicken goooooooood.

You've never seen jabba quite like this....for a reason.

supposed to be Bowie channeling his inner Jareth. I see Ron Pearlman and his 80's tv version of Beauty & the Beast. To each her own.

Leave your kids out of your creepy habits.

Guess we don't have to worry about the pants issue.

Some say Noah...I say Haggrid.

When Cabbage Patches go wrong.

No.

Your Co-workers should NEVER see you like this...EVER.

Insert something hilarious here, throw head back and laugh. Start to Choke and then regain control.

This is going to be contrived of completely random whatevers that might happen to have popped into my head as of late. I simply feel like writing…and I will not be denied. The other day I was pondering, and I realized that if David Bowie and Tilda Swinton had a baby, it would be the truly most androgynous child in the history of ever.

Bowie

Tilda

Bowie + Swinton = La Roux

Moving on, saw a helicopter the other day and had a sudden desire to go on an adventure. Maybe that’s my inner Rambo speaking. Better than my inner jean claude van damme talking. I think it’s best to keep that one smothered…with a big down pillow. AAAAnd here’s why…

Jazz Hands

Saw this on yahoo a couple days ago and think this would be stellar. Well, at least until it comes time to skivvy down. Then, maybe not so cool.

the bubble tent

By the way, I need to clean up all the dog deposits in my yard now that spring is rearing its lovely head. However, I was reminded of this because my neighbor was out doing it and then I felt too weird to “mirror” her  over the fence…so I didn’t. Neighbor -one…me – zero. You win this round, Lady. I think she’s just an enabler. Another note, ice cream truck…outside…ding-a-linging this afternoon. It’s not THAT spring yet. Meanwhile, Rita’s Water Ice opens in two days. What? It’s totally different. Oh shut up.

irrelevant titles and filler…blah,blah,blah

Well, I am back from my vacation to the living room. You should know that I only returned so that you all would not be left hanging, unaware of my outcome. First, I sat on the couch. I indulged in some Peach snapple and Phinneas and Ferb. That show rocks my ever loving socks off. I know what I’m going to do today! I’m going to write in my blog, wait for Michael to wake from his slumber, and then hit up the grocery store. Contain yourself, children…I know you are envious of my thrill seeking life style…but we can’t all live so extravagantly.  Hey, where’s Perry? Any who, Michael said he wasn’t going to sleep, but sure enough, Princess Aurora went down for the count and never came back up. No “true love’s kiss” is going to wake the slumberer up. More like a charlie horse…and I don’t want to be there on the receiving end of that glare when he comes to.  All I’m saying is that if I die before Rip Van Winkle rises and shines, I’m going to be VERY put out…and dead. So where was I? Ahh, new paragraph.

So, last weekend was the BlackHand show in Woodlyn, PA outside of Philly. Show was swell. The room was a nicotine balloon. I kind of felt like we were being tented for extermination. However, since the people inside said tent were the ones doing the smoking…I guess it would be more a suicide pact. There were even those amongst us in our small group  (Meghan D!!!!!) who tried to assist. The Kevorkians of the music scene. I’ve decided I want to live.  We were up late…out late…and smelled bad. Thank you cigarette hair. By the way,,,on a much healthier note…tee shirts are here! Boys are recording in April. And the next show is March 12th @ Mojo Main in Newark, DE.  Annnnnd next paragraph. I suppose you could just watch for the signs of a new paragraph all on your own…but I don’t want to cause any unnecessary shock. Change is so unsettling for most people.

This is what I call "the politician pose"

So the other day, At the bottom of the facebook page, there was a promo that said ” Wilmington, Delware, Bucket list. Things to do in Wilmington before you die.” I nearly spit my tea at the screen.  Apparently, Wilmington is the hot spot and if you don’t check it all out, you might live to regret it.

 

Check out the “Metro Sectional”

The Barbie of Frankenstein

Yea, that title…a bit crap. B- for effort though.

http://www.ladiesgadgets.com/margaux-lange-unique-handcrafted-jewelry-with-barbie-parts/

Some might say cool…I say creepy. Wait until you see what they did with ken. Sooo very wrong. Somewhere there is a pile of mutilated Barbies lying in a pile. Toy Story 4: the race to save the Barbies.

America's fate. Russel is based on today's kids. Scary.

Never

More  jewelry. I think this is possibly the dumbest jewelry idea I have EVER seen. “And how did the car accident occur, ma’am?”  “Well, my contact jewelry got in my eye and I crashed.” For me, I spend a good amount of effort trying to keep crap out of my contacts.

To end, I would just like to say that I finally watched all the Ricky Gervais clips on you tube….and I thought he was awesome. I especially appreciated the tom hanks/ tim Allen bit. Kudos to him.